OPEN LETTER TO ALL THE WOODS OUT THERE

People who usually speak against movies are crass, illiterate, and know nothing about film-making and appreciation. They watch movies just to complain about them. I am not one of those people, as you shall undoubtedly come to understand during the course of this letter. I have spent twenty years in the film industry, and my knowledge of its cracks and crevices exceeds that of the average layperson. My juice bar ‘Guilty Pleasures’ can be found in almost all major multiplexes around the world. I do not divulge this information to glorify myself; I merely do it in order to expel any doubts that may arise pertaining to my expertise in the subject at hand. My expertise has led me to write this letter, in which I shall discuss certain aspects of movies that are, by their very nature, a crime against humanity.

My friends always ask me why I watch a lot of monster movies. Till now, I have done everything in my power to not give them a straight answer since I knew that giving them one would lead to pointless (and stupid) arguments which I have neither the patience nor the time to participate in. See, I love monster movies because they are the only kind of movie in which the primary antagonist is non-human. The other kind of movie, featuring human antagonist(s), just makes me squirm in my seat. Why bring it up now, when the ‘other kind of movie’ clearly rules the mainstream market, and has done so for a long period of time, you ask? To that, my answer would be that I’m appalled by the current trend of making these monsters seem more human, as can be seen in Hotel Transylvania, Monsters Inc., Let The Right One In, Monsters University, Twilight, X-Men, A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night, etc. The new Planet of the Apes reboot even dares to show the earth being taken over by a bunch of copycat simians! Lest someone should complain that I’ve only mentioned Western and Iranian films here, I’ll mention two from my home-state, Tamil Nadu: Pisasu and Kaanchanaa. The makers of these movies don’t understand that these movies falsely project monsters to be things other that the ugly, stupid, man-eating, and city-destroying brutes that they are. They deserve to be pushed off skyscrapers, beheaded using helicopters and exploded using H-bombs; not romanticized, and worse, anthropomorphized. I believe that the root of this problem lies in movies that have a human antagonist (henceforth referred to as HAMs ), and by controlling the content of these types of movies, we can ensure that future generations do not come to believe that an oversized and ugly green lizard deserves to be on an equal footing with Catherina Cuyf*, and thus protect human integrity.

To illustrate how HAMs are a gross misrepresentation of society, I will take the case of two recently released Hindi movies, namely, PK and Haider. Both of these were extremely controversial upon release, and were labeled anti-Hindu and anti-national respectively, thereby prompting the Twitter campaigns #boycottPK and #boycottHaider. I feel sorry for these protestors. Their tunnel-vision has stopped them from noticing the larger issues at hand. These two movies, along with all other HAMs, are anti-human. PK even goes so far as to have an alien protagonist, and yet, it seems to have earned 607 Crore Rupees! Woe is me! What can I do but hang my head in shame for belonging to a species which cannot even recognize an attack on itself. It would be alright if the human antagonists were portrayed in a sensible and realistic way, but most (if not all the time) of the time, their evilness is exaggerated, and we are expected to believe that such characters (nay, caricatures) exist in large numbers (as suggested by the number of HAMs) and condemn ourselves.

And even if what these movies suggest were true (which I strongly doubt) why do they have to have to make films about them, eh? Leopards kill each other, so do fish, and bulls, and dogs, and chimpanzees. They espouse practices that humans wouldn’t even think of doing, and yet, you don’t see films being made about those animals, do you? But if a human just robs a bank to feed himself, some camera wielding pseudo-philosopher has to make a film about him to study his psychology, environment and beliefs. Almost inevitably, the film shows his actions as being worse than they actually were. Those of you who argue that evil people like those portrayed in HAMs exist; I dare you to show me one living human who has been killed by a psychopathic serial-killer. HAMs are the epitome of racism.

I will probably receive a lot of criticism for saying this, but I am going to say it anyway, to show those makers of HAMs how freedom of expression, their catchphrase, is a double-edged sword. HAM-Makers are hypocrites and traitors (to the whole of humanity, no less). They are humans themselves, have enjoyed the benefits of being human, and yet, instead of celebrating humanity, they choose to criticize it! When questioned, they hide behind the word ‘art’ and the phrase ‘freedom of expression’. Really, of what use is art when it doesn’t contribute to peaceful coexistence of humanity? More importantly: Of what use is art that doesn’t agree with my worldview? And while we’re on the subject of art, let me say for once and for all that HAMs aren’t art, they’re propaganda filmed with the purpose of making money and creating rifts between humans, thus strengthening my conviction that HAM-Makers are selfish capitalists, traitors and blasphemers.

Oh! How I long for films like Godzilla, Jurassic Park, and Jaws, where we bashed a few monsters senseless and didn’t have to put up with senseless criticism and judgement by stupid and egotic film-makers (who couldn’t get admitted into an IIT or an IIM).

This brings me to the main purpose of this letter.

I request the authorities to ban HAMs completely, or, at the very least, give them the most restrictive censor rating to reduce viewership. I also request the authorities to publicly execute HAM-Makers, preferably by quartering them, or, at the very least, using the guillotine.

*Name changed slightly to prevent author from being dragged to court.

Disclaimer: As much as I’d like to be insulted by angry commenters (who really are artists when it comes to using the world wide web to force other people to accept their views), my mom would ground me for a week if she found me engaging in a cuss-word battle with some hyper-educated stranger, thus, to prevent the aforementioned situation from occurring, I’ll just come out and say that this article was intended to be a mild satire. It was definitely not intended to hurt or offend any one, and if it has, I offer my appy-polly-logies.

Claimer: Oh! Who am I kidding? Some people are offended by everything. 

 

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